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In recognition of World Mental Health Day 2021, this is a personal story about a girl’s mental health journey. This story sheds light on the reality of mental health and how it can change your life for the better.
I hope you all are settling into your rhythms of fall routines and giving yourself time to notice the changes going on around you during this beautiful time of year. However, I do know that it is hard to recognize those changes sometimes. Sometimes you feel as if you are sinking further and further from the person you once were and your mind goes on tangents that never seem to end. I understand those feelings. I have felt those feelings, and that is why I am choosing to share my mental health journey with you all.
If I were to say this was an easy decision to come to, I would be lying. It took me months to reach the point of being able to share my mental healthy journey with people. I hope to shine a light on my experience with depression and anxiety in hopes to tell you that this journey is difficult. It seems to be never ending, but there is hope. There is hope for a better more vibrant future.
How My Mental Health Journey Began to Spiral
In July of 2019, I moved back to Dallas, Texas (where I grew up). I had a new job as a teacher, a new apartment, and family and friends surrounding me. What more could I ask for? I truly believed that that year would be marked with many firsts (which I found to be true), but I was so happy and optimistic to start my new journey into adulthood—”officially” (college years do not count). Little did I know what the year would hold.
I began the school year with the normal learning curve that comes with any new job and the first year of doing it. I was so excited to welcome my kids at school and go home to my cozy apartment that my sister and I had designed. As the school year progressed into the fall, there were some pretty traumatic events that I had never experienced before. I felt helpless and was not supported. Through the course of the following months, my job was literally on the line if I didn’t perform well. The need to over perform and compensate consumed me. I would work and try my hardest throughout the day to provide a safe and nurturing environment for my students to learn, yet my best efforts were not recognized. I was sinking deeper in hopelessness.
After leaving work, I would work until 10:00 each night to prepare for the days ahead. On the weekends, I would work some on Saturday and all of Sunday to prepare for the next week’s materials. On school days, I wouldn’t have time to eat until I got home the at night. I lost a lot of weight, and my body was feeling the affects of sleepless nights, middle-of-the-night-panic attacks, not eating during the day, internal and external stress, and working till my wit’s end.
My Mental Health Started Affecting My Physical Health
My body was exhausted, my anxiety each day was out of this world, and I became depressed. At the lowest point, I spiraled and had multiple mental break downs—often times on the way to work each morning. I would cry everyday going to and coming home from work. I would cry when I returned home—most times for reasons I couldn’t explain. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize myself. All I wanted to do was to crawl back in bed and never leave. I felt like I was losing myself. Anxiety and depression paralyzed me.
The only thing that helped me take each step every day was turning each painful day into a day of surrender and trust in God.
Without my faith and trust in Jesus every day, I know I would have fed on the lies from the enemy so much more than I already was. During one of the darker days last year, I opened my notes app and journaled my feelings. I decided to attach them below, because they show my raw feelings and pain during that time.
There is Hope Beyond Your Circumstances
I write all this to say. There is hope. You are loved even when you don’t feel it. Jesus is fighting your battles along with you. He is holding you in His hand, whether you feel it or not.
I know those feelings of hopelessness, where anxiety and depression may be gripping your soul. I have felt them and they are real and so intense. But, there is more for you.
He hears the unspoken and spoken cries of your heart. He hears your cries in the car and he hears the cries you try to smother in the shower. I learned that all I could do was surrender my current circumstances and mental health journey over to Him.
The Moment That Changed My Life Forever
During these moments of hopelessness, I turned to God in prayer, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. In one of those still moments talking to him, I heard him whisper on my heart…”Create an inviting place for people.” From that moment on, I knew He was calling me to take a leap of faith and begin new chapter.
Not a few days after that intimate moment with God, quarantine began. My job shifted to a work from home format. God began to revel more to me about how I could thrive and use my gifts in new ways.
I told my sister about the dream God had placed on my heart. I knew that meant starting a blog and stepping into a new career. It terrified me. It still terrifies me at times, but the moment I start to feed into the devil’s lies about this new direction I am embarking on, I trust it is exactly where God wants me to be.
I continue to struggle with the fear of tomorrow and go through ebbs and flows of sadder days, but hope and light conquered Satan’s hold on my heart and soul.
If you are hurting, if you feel like there is no where to turn, and if you feel like you are at the end, let me tell you, you have a future. It is hard, and maybe impossible to see at this moment, but I challenge you to take the step today to trust in something bigger than your self. Something bigger than your struggles. Something bigger than your current circumstances. You have beautiful and great days ahead of you. You are loved and valued. If no one else tells you today, I love you. Surrender your hurt and the days ahead to Jesus. He heals and overcomes any obstacle you face. Take your first step today to trust Him.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28
Here are some books that helped me heal:
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